


Yellow Light

by EpochDaw (orphan_account)



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst, Blood, Canon Divergence, Eventual Romance, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Multi, Onesided!SuzuHide, Other, haisehide, kanehide - Freeform, leukophobia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-28
Updated: 2016-11-27
Packaged: 2018-04-01 15:51:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4025809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/EpochDaw
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(I'm looking for a place to start, But everything feels so different now. Just grab a hold of my hand, I will lead you through this wonderland.)</p><p>“Ugly colors,” he murmurs, reaching his hand to pluck a long yellow petal. It’s waxy against his fingers. He presses it to his lips, closing his eyes and inhaling the faint scent of flowers. His eyes sting, his mind dripping in whites and reds.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Somewhere Deep in the Dark

**Author's Note:**

> Un-Beta'd. 
> 
> (Song lyrics in the summary are from "Yellow Light" by Of Monsters and Men)

Hide’s eyes meet their reflection, the mirror starting to fog at the edges from the hot steam of the shower. The sound of water hitting tile fills his head, a gentle rhythm that consumes him. He takes a deep breath of metallic air, nostrils burning and eyes watering. The hospital smell is familiar, too familiar, and his left shoulder aches in response. The short stub of his arm fills with dull pain as memories resurface, images flashing in his mind. 

He closes his eyes, focusing on keeping his breathing even as he remembers the events of two years previous. His desperate plea to Arima Kishou before the raid on Anteiku; investigator after investigator being slaughtered by Ghouls; his journey through the battlefield of carcasses to find Kaneki, and severing his own arm in the sewers.

He scrunches his eyes tighter as the feeling of blood washes over him, as the feeling of loneliness, of being left behind, builds its way up, up, up until his chest is tight and it’s hard to breath. Hide grits his teeth, trying to keep the sobs building up in his throat silent. He takes deep breaths through his mouth, exhaling shakily as he grips the counter with his right hand.

Slowly, he peels his eyes open, staring into his own gaze. He looks a million years older, his eyes no longer shining with the bright gleam they once held. His hair, once bright blond, is now a dull shade of brown, short in the back with bangs falling into his eyes, brushed to the right. He tugs on a strand gently. _Maybe I should dye it._

Almost mechanically, he strips his clothes, throwing them into a corner near the door, and steps into the hospital’s shower. The water is scalding. Hide’s body tingles from the heat, the burning sensation calming into a warm embrace as he allows the water to glide over his skin. Hide turns the temperature up, and the burning returns. He goes into routine from there. Shampoo hair, rinse; condition hair; scrub body with soap; rinse hair.

He turns the water off, skin tingling as he steps out of the shower, grabbing the towel he set on the counter. He dries off, dresses in baggy pajama pants and a loose shirt, and leaves the bathroom. The hospital room is untouched, besides the bed, just as Hide had left it.

The four walls are tragically white, the ceiling is white, the bed is white; everything is _white_. The color burns Hide’s eyes. White, white, white. He feels his breath hitch in his throat, choking on nothing, panic rising up. Hide drops his gaze to the smooth floor, glaring at the dull shade of gray, but his breathing returns to normal. Gray is okay; he can deal with gray.

Gray is the color of the sky in fall, when the heavy smell of rain lingers in the air. Gray is the color of the kitten he had when he was a child. His fingers twitch, recalling the feeling of soft fur under the pads of his fingers, pressed against his palm gently.

Gray is the color of cement, of footsteps tapping, of calming walks through the city with _him_. Gray is the color of _his_ favorite comforter, back in _his_ old apartment (It’s no longer there; torn down and replaced with some local business. Hide tries not to be bitter). Gray is the color of _his_ eyes, shining like starlight. Gray is _Kaneki_ , with his small smile, gaze of silver staring at Hide.

He feels himself drifting back to the old days, slipping out of _now_ and back into _then_. The hospital room is gone, replaced with tables and customers. The metallic odor turns to the tantalizing aroma of freshly brewed coffee. The blaring buzz of machines morphs into a quiet hum of conversations. The sight of gray floors and white walls mixes to form a blurry image of Kaneki, smiling, laughing.

Hide smiles back, ignoring the pellets of water dripping onto the image of his best friend. His lips quiver, watching at the picture is torn, burned; the ashes drifting away like a balloon. His eyes, half-lidded and glazed over, snap open as the image returns. But instead of pools of stars and warm grins its mismatched eyes being pierced, of blood pooling down Kaneki’s pale face. Hide’s ears ring with Kaneki’s anguished cries of pain, and he claws at his face, his neck, his shoulders; he claws until his fingernails break skin.

He falls like the sun sets; slowly sinking to the cool, gray floor (no, it’s not gray. It’s just another shade of white. Cold, horrible, saddening white). He clutches his left shoulder, silent sobs racking through is body. His eyes are screwed shut for eternity, and when he opens them, the stains of blood, of Kaneki, are gone. Anteiku is gone, and the hospital returns.

Hide watches the sky of black ink turn to blinding day.

He supposes, that maybe, he can’t handle gray after all. Gray is just tainted white, not yet black. Gray is an empty stage, and if the stage was life, then life was empty. 

“If I were a color,” Hide muses aloud, “I would want to be yellow.”

_Gray can’t be the protagonist of a story, it’ll end up as a tragedy. So let me write with my yellow words, let me write you a blessing._

 -----

Touka visits. Her gaze is bittersweet when she looks at him, her smile genuine but reserved. Her presence is welcomed, but Hide feels his skin crawl as he realizes where he is. Touka visiting meant he was back in the 20th ward; it meant he was back home. It meant he had returned without Kaneki.

His words taste bland on his tongue, honey no longer dripping from each syllable. Touka notices, and smiles sadly at him. She pats his shoulder (his right shoulder, not the left. Never the left) and leaves, waving a goodbye as she closes the white door. ( _White, white, white_ ).

Days pass, and Hide watches the vase of flowers that Touka had left him. Each day they grow tired, tilting down with gravity. The petals have begun to fall off, the plants wilting as though years had passed instead of days.

“I feel like I’ve been in here for years, too,” Hide sighs, flopping onto the stiff bed. The sheets are too slick underneath him, and the blanket feels like cardboard as he lifts it over his body. The white consumes his body, and he desperately gulps down air, trying to slow his racing mind.

Time goes by slowly. Minutes feel like hours; hours like days. Hide’s mind swims by quickly, though, his thoughts coming and going, never quite leaving his head, but being placed to the side. He avoids looking at the room. He can’t handle the white; he can’t handle the gray. The wilted flowers (yellows and oranges. No white, no gray (no red). Touka can tell what the colors do to him. She understands, almost too well). His hand drifts to the small stub of his arm, ghosting over the scarred skin. His touch slips to his ribs, the sting being significantly less painful than days prior.

He lets out an amused snort. It was comical, really, getting injured. He had gotten by without any serious injuries when he was searching for Kaneki. Only small scratches and bruises from his own careless mistakes. Now, with two years of experience as a CCG investigator, he was in the hospital.

Hide’s left shoulder stings.

 _Again_ , he reminds himself. He was in the hospital _again._

He can’t remember much of his first stay in the hospital. Just the feeling of time crawling along, of deep aches in his shoulder, his chest; phantom pains behind his eyes. And the white. ( _White, white, white)_. So bright it had blinded him, to where all the white was painted with blood (his blood; Kaneki’s blood; Mr. Seidou’s blood). Crimson blood, ghost white jackets, moonlit white hair, bone white skin. The colors that haunted his dreams, his memories, his life.

“Ugly colors,” he murmurs, reaching his hand to pluck a long yellow petal. It’s waxy against his fingers. He presses it to his lips, closing his eyes and inhaling the faint scent of flowers. His eyes sting, his mind dripping in whites and reds.

 -----

“You don’t look well, Hide,” Suzuya states. His voice is light but heavy, happy but worried. His dark eyes stare into Hide’s, and the brunet can feel himself smile sadly. “Did the Ghoul get you good?”

A pathetic chuckle leaves Hide’s lips. “No,” he replies, swinging his legs over the edge of the bed. His feet don’t touch the gray floor. “The wound is pretty much healed, just a bit of bruising. It’s just… the hospital, I guess.”

His voice dies off. Suzuya doesn’t pester him for more details. Hide knows he relates, if only somewhat. The atmosphere tenses, as they recall the memories of the raid. Hide bites his lower lip until he can taste blood. He doesn’t want to remember again. He’s done remembering, it’s all he’s been doing since he was emitted into the hospital. Remembering whites and reds and screams and whimpers.

He glances at Suzuya, and their gazes meet. Hide can tell that Suzuya has been done remembering, too; that’s he’s moved past the haunting memories. He is not scared of deep pools of red and the endless maze of whites. His black hair pulls at the bland colors around them, capturing the light.

“Your hair is brown,” Suzuya notes, snapping Hide out of his trance. Subconsciously, Hide pulls on one of the strands of brown hair, staring at it. “That’s a shame, Hideyoshi.”

Hide hums in reply, resting his gaze on Suzuya’s black hair. “I was thinking of dying it again,” he confesses.

“What color?”

“Blond.”

“Again?”

“What other color am I supposed to dye it? Black, like yours?”

 Suzuya laughs, loud but shrill. “Nooooo! Don’t copy me!”

Hide chuckles. “Black is too familiar,” he admits, turning to stare out the window. Outside is full of dark greens and light blues, not whites and grays and reds, and it leaves a hollow feeling inside Hide’s chest. It builds up, up, up… Hide looks away, back to Suzuya’s blackness. “I wouldn’t look good with a crazy hair color, like blue or green, either.”

Suzuya twines his fingers together behind him, stretching his arms. He hums in agreement. “Blond suits you just fine,” he decides. “It adds a bit of color to a crowd.”

“You’re not just here to talk, are you?” Hide asks abruptly, hoping not to sound rude. Suzuya is his friend, but it’s not like him to just drop by for a visit. Suzuya doesn’t like hospitals, doesn’t like to visit people in them. It gives him a sense of foreboding doom, so he usually chooses to wait until they’re out of the hospital. Hide understands. He waits, too.

“I’m hurt, Hide!” Suzuya teases. He flops onto the bed, sitting next to Hide. Their knees brush briefly, friendly contact that helps Hide stay grounded. Suzuya lays back, spreading his arms to cover the white sheets, kicking his legs aimlessly. The contrast of his black outfit helps Hide stay calm as he looks at him. The white doesn’t look quite as blinding.

Suzuya’s gaze lands on the ceiling. His legs rest against the bed, playful aura disappearing, and Hide’s shoulders tense. “I tried to get them to reconsider,” Suzuya murmurs, “I know you don’t like it here, especially since _he’s_ stationed here. But there’s going to be an operation soon, and they want you to stay.”

Hide’s throat constricts. He bites his tongue. He breathes shakily from his nose. He has to look away, the black not being enough. The white bed, the white walls, the white ceiling all close in on him. (The permanent image of white coats, of white hair splattered with red. White, white, _white_ ). He feels himself shaking, knows Suzuya can feel him shaking, but he his body continues to quiver.

Suzuya’s gaze is unwavering, never leaving the ceiling. “First Class Investigator Nagachika Hideyoshi,” the title is strange in Hide’s ears; his name sounds foreign, alienated. The name doesn’t belong to him, with brown hair and a dull gaze. It belonged to the old him, blond and eyes full of sunshine, a smile always on his lips.

“You have been temporarily placed under Associate Special Class Investigator Suzuya Juuzou, stationed in the 20th ward, to participate in the extermination of the Ghoul Restaurant.”

Hide feels sick.

“Welcome to the Suzuya Squad,” Juuzou murmurs. His voice is dead to Hide’s ears. “I’m sorry.”

“Its…I’m fine,” Hide lies. He grins, closing his eyes before looking at Suzuya. “I’m happy to be working with you again, Juuzou.”

Suzuya doesn’t look away from the ceiling as he hums pleasantly, deep in his thoughts. Hide watches his chest move rhythmically up and down as he breathes, slow, and calm. Sunlight filters through the one window in the room, the light seemingly caught by Suzuya’s dark clothes.

“You’re not fine,” Suzuya finally says, his voice barely over a whisper. He meets Hide’s gaze firmly. Hide’s mask falls immediately, his smile turning into a frown. He closed his eyes, falling back onto the bed, his shoulder brushing against Suzuya’s.

“I’m not,” Hide admits, curling onto his side. He opens his eyes to find large ones staring back at him. At first glance they’re empty and blank, endless voids. But having known him for over two years (just barely), of growing closer and closer, Hide was able to see the faint signs of worry, small hints of how caring Suzuya actually was. 

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Hide hums in thought. “No,” he answers, closing his eyes. A small smile tugs at his lips. “This is enough. Having someone else close… it helps.”

The bed shifts as Suzuya moves to lay on his side, facing Hide. He watches the blond with interest. Hide’s brown eyes remain closed, but he can feel the soft gaze of his friend on him. He remains still, feeling at peace, his mind slowing with sleepiness. He hadn’t gotten much sleep since entering the hospital. He decided to take the chance; he needed a nap.

“Thank you,” Hide yawns, curling his legs onto the bed.

Suzuya snorts. “For what?” he asks in a quiet sing-song voice.

“For being here. You’re a good friend, Juuzou.”

They’re silent for a long time, listening to the soft hum of the hospital machines and the quiet tapping of footsteps outside the door. Hide’s mind drifts to old memories, his chest feeling warm with nostalgia.

“You’re a good friend too, Hide,” Juuzou murmurs. Hide smiles, allowing himself to drift off into slumber.


	2. hey guess who updated

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hide can't catch a break

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unbeta'd

There is no white in :Re.

Everything is colored; the walls a gentle green, the floor deep purple; the tables are light tans, and their wooden chairs alternate from black to maroon. The ceiling is a dark gray that reminds Hide of storm clouds, hovering above him and emitting the phantom smell of rain.

He leans back in his chair, mapping the vents that line the ceiling like a maze. His right hand grips underneath the glossy black counter to keep him from tipping back.

Hide takes a deep breath through his nose, smiling faintly at the familiar fragrance of freshly brewed coffee, memories tugging at the corners of his mind. He allows brief moments of happiness to wash over him, leaving a pleasant but hollow feeling in his chest. He regrets it immediately. The feeling spreads until his body feels numb, his mind morphing from sweet memories to haunting nightmares.

Hide lets go of the bar, gripping his shirt, face blank as his chair tilts forward, resting on all four legs. The constant _thump, thump, thump_ of his heartbeat echoes through the café. It’s eerily loud, and his body tenses. Gaze glassy, he takes in his surroundings, not processing them. The coffee smell is suffocating. He takes shaky breaths, never getting enough oxygen, blinking his eyes slowly and turning in his chair to stare at the empty café.

The familiarity tugs at his mind. He takes deep breathes to calm down, heart racing in his chest, pounding against his ribs. His breath stutters. _This is :Re_ , he tells himself, allowing his right arm to rest on the bar. It’s cold against his skin. His left shoulder burns. He stares down at the black countertop, running his numbing fingers against the smooth, glossy surface.

_This is :Re, not Anteiku. :Re. Not Anteiku. :Re, not-_

The soft clink of ceramic hitting the counter bursts in Hide’s ears, ringing. He blinks his eyes, a sharp sting of pain spreading through his head. Slowly, he turns his gaze to the green cup, watching the ripples of coffee leisurely stop. He stares at the smooth surface as he comes out of his daze.

His throat feels raw, eyes stinging. He gulps down another lungful of air, numb fingers prickling.

Carefully, he lifts up the coffee. His hand shakes. His whole body trembles, rocking in the storm of memories that flash in his mind, mind constantly in danger of drowning in freezing depths of memories. He sets the coffee down without taking a drink, resting his elbow on the counter and his head in his hand.

Hide shuts his eyes, trying to erase the pictures, trying to wipe away the bright, appalling whites and deep, horrendous reds. He presses the palm of his hand into his eye, rubbing and rubbing and rubbing until the red and whites smudge together and bright dots flash beneath his eyelids.

His body is numb. Pins and needles prickle at his legs and arm, sinking deeper and deeper. His ears ring.

 _:Re, not Anteiku. :Re. :Re, Anteiku._ **_No, :Re. Anteiku? :Re. Anteiku, :Re, Anteiku, Anteiku, Kaneki, Anteiku, Anteiku? Kaneki, Kaneki, Kanek_ ** _-_

“ _Hide_ ”

A hand on his shoulder stops the ringing in his head. Hide wheezes in a deep breath, holding onto the counter like a lifeline, blinking his eyes rapidly. He turns his gaze to the hand on his shoulder (right. His right shoulder. Never, never, _never left_.), noticing the long clear nails and the fair skin. His eyes travel up the arm to Touka.

Her eyebrows are furrowed in worry, her purple eyes shining. Hide allows himself to wander in her gaze, his thoughts and memories lost in lavender galaxies (they were once the deep ends of space; dark and boundless, empty. Now they are two orbs of life, beautiful and epodic).

Touka raises her free hand to cup his cheek, the pads of her fingers pressing soothingly into his skin. Her hand is rough with calluses from years of fighting, of surviving. He focuses on the feeling, dipping his head and leaning forward to rest his forehead against her shoulder. He feels the hand on his shoulder ghost against his back as she hugs him.

Hide bites his lip, his body quaking with silent sobs. “I’m sorry, Touka,” he weeps. Soothing purples swirl and swirl in his head like whirlpools, fading into horrible white coats. “I’m so…sorry for causing you trouble.”

Touka hugs him tighter. “You’re not causing trouble, Hide.”

“I keep dragging you back into the past with me.”

“It’s okay.”

“No, Touka, it’s not. It’s been two years. Two years since… since the raid… a-and I haven’t made any process,” Hide grits his teeth, “It hasn’t gotten _any better_ . Touka, they said it would get better. But I still can’t handle whites, and now I can’t even look at some shades of gray anymore… if anything it’s gotten _worse._ ”

Touka purses her lips. _The hospital got to him more than I thought_. “It’s okay to not be okay, Hide,” she says slowly, calculating each word.

It was still strange, to see Hide this fragile. He used to be bright smiles and glittering eyes, a mischievous and clever aura around him. When she had first gone to visit him after the raid, the contradiction of how he was _now_ and _then_ was so great that she had left without saying ‘hello’. It had taken her almost a month to go back. And the change had been greater.

“I want to be okay.”

“You’ll get better.”

“I’m sorry.”

Touka squeezes his shoulder, forcing a smile. Hide’s eyes are dark and murky, the light they once radiated faded into near nothingness. She bites her lips, eyes stinging. Hide looks, is broken, and it causes her chest to hollow.

Touka helps Hide calm down, urging him to drink the coffee. His fingers ghost against the cup, lingering just a bit longer than normal, before he lifts the cup to his mouth and takes a sip. The smile he flashes at her is almost perfect, but Touka can see the edges of her friend’s façade fading.

\- - - - - - - -

The operation passes and goes in a blur.

Hide is not placed with the Suzuya Squad during the mission. He’s instead stationed with the Intel group, watching over the operation. He doesn’t get promoted once everything is over, and he nearly cries with relief.

After the operation Hide hears rumors throughout the CCG. He tunes them out as best he can. But the name still finds its way to his ears; haunting him like the reds and whites. _Takizawa Seidou._

Takizawa Seidou is alive.

The information gave Hide a hollow feeling, a hole in his chest that dripped red. Images of white hair (Kaneki? Seidou? He can’t tell anymore) plagues his mind. Screams that flash red fill the silence of his room (a spare room in :Re Touka had let him use), echoing off the green walls in an endless choir of agony.

“I should buy new headphones,” he murmurs to himself, sitting on the edge of the bed. The static and phantom sobs fills his mind, up and up and up, until he can’t take it anymore.

 _A walk_ , he tells himself, _I’ll go on a walk. Fresh air and busy street noises is what I need._  

His mind is sluggish as he moves around the small room. Mechanical movements, a set routine. He tugs on his shoes, grabs his wallet, grips the cold doorknob in his single hand and hesitates. His chest tingles forebodingly, and he almost lets go. But the screams and cries roar in his head louder and louder, the edges of his vision turning white and -

-and he walks out the door. The soft ‘click’ echoes in the empty upstairs of :Re.

\- - - - - - - -

“Touka,” he calls out, listening to the quiet taps of his steps as he walks down the stairs. Despite the early hours, Hide knows she’s up, preparing to open shop. He smells coffee, and wonders briefly if :Re opened early today.

He rounds the corner, smiling in preparation of a costumer, rehearsed greeting on the tip of his tongue.

Hide sees Touka before he sees _him_ . Her eyes widen as he walks out of the kitchen, her jaw set tightly and her eyebrows furrowing. Her eyes are filled with panic, telling him to leave, to turn away (to move on, to forget about _him_ ).

He stays, the tingle in his chest turning to lead and dropping to his stomach, body stopping in place. His eyes travels to the customer sat at one of the window tables, breath hitching in his throat. The customer looks up, following Touka’s line of sight until he’s staring at Hide.

Gravity crashes against Hide, crushing his body; a tin can stepped on and kicked away.

He stares into deep pools of stardust, sinking into their gaze until he’s drowning, gasping for breath, desperately trying to swim to the surface. Hide stares and stares and stares until his eyes _sting_ , until his body feels light and he stutters a gulp  of air into his lungs. His knees feel weak. His skin is too tight. His mouth is dry.

He begs to every deity he doesn’t believe in to find something, _anything_ ( _any amount of recognition, of memories returning_ ) in those familiar gray eyes. He allows himself to hope for the first time in years, his heart swelling and pushing against his ribs and lungs; an old wound being ripped open.

He finds nothing-

And white consumes his sight.

He feels tears start slip down his face. For the first time in years he crumbles, despair taking hold of him, washing him away in a sea of uncomprehending stars.

Hide brings his hand to his mouth, muffling a sob. He makes a beeline for the door, ears ringing with the same screams that haunt his room, completely deaf to _his_ ( _Haise’s,_ **_Kaneki’s_ ** ) quick yell of concern. :Re’s door closes, and Hide blindly rushes off, followed by silver stardust and white strands soaked in red.

  


  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it's been like, what, a year and a half since I last updated this?? I'm honestly so sorry, for the past two years or so I've been struggling with my writing a lot. I lose a lot of motivation for things. But I decided to reread this and I?? Felt compelled to try finishing it? The original plot I have written up is probably gonna get edited a fuck ton, but nothing that'll effect the first chapter. Anyway, don't expect regular updates cause 12th grade sucks my dudes lmao.
> 
> Also I had most of this chapter written up (I literally just edited it a bit and added a paragraph onto the end) but I didn't post it because I didn't think it was good enough and bc I didn't know if I was ever gonna come back to this story?? Yeah, sorry. This should have been uploaded like 8 months ago. 
> 
> If you wanna see my art you can follow me on tumblr (Jirou-Kojirou) or Instagram (smolyakkun). I post a lot more art than a do writing. 
> 
> ANYWAY, till the next chapter!!

**Author's Note:**

> What is that ending omfg. There was gonna be another scene after this, but honestly I couldn’t bring myself to write it yet. Oh well. Btw I’m really sorry if I made Suzuya super OOC. (= A =) This is my first time writing for him. 
> 
> Sooo, in this fic Hide has Leukophobia, which is the fear of the color white. He also gets anxious and panicky when he sees blood (or anything that reminds him of blood, ie. the color red). 
> 
> On a side note, I now ship SuzuHide. (tfw you start shipping something bc of your own writing.) Sadly there’s like no one else who ships it so ahahah I’m all allooonneee (pls help me) 
> 
> Please tell me what you think!! Till next chapter~


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